Scott Stapp Threatens President; Obama Quaking in His Boots

Link Between Christian Rock and Mental Illness Found

Rock Royalty, Scott Stapp

Last week, news surfaced that Creed frontman Scott Stapp made threats against President Obama before jumping on a bicycle with a bag full of papers which he asserted proved that he was an agent of the CIA charged with assassination. Stapp has denied the allegations (as anyone, sane or otherwise, would naturally do).

According to People Magazine, the Secret Service are aware of the threats and taking “appropriate action.”

A member of the Secret Service, who spoke to me under the condition of anonymity, told me that the agency is currently trying to determine whether the threat is credible or not. “Naturally, all threats of this sort need to be taken seriously,” he said, “but let’s be serious. Scott Stapp? Even President Obama thinks he’s a pussy.”

Later, President Obama, also speaking under the condition of anonymity, told me that, more than concern for his own safety, he felt sympathy for a man who was clearly in the midst of a mental health crisis. “Obviously, my heart goes out to Mr. Stapp and his loved ones, and I sincerely hope that he is able to get the care that he needs. I also hope that these recent episodes will not overshadow the achievements of a man who used his talents as a second-rate Eddie Vedder sound-alike to try to bridge the gap between Christian and mainstream rock. Honestly, I’m not sure that was such a good idea but… I mean, really, I know a lot of people apparently listen to Christian rock, but nobody that I’d want to talk to. If we’ve learned anything from this episode, it’s that you have to crazy to be into that garbage.”

Dr. Richard Branleur (artist's conception)

Elaborating on the connection between mental illness and Christian rock, clinical psychiatrist Dr. Richard Branleur, speaking under the condition of severe intoxication, emphasized that mental illness needs to be de-stigmatized and addressed as something that is, if not curable, is at least treatable. He stated, though, that the effects of Christian rock were less easy to address, and in the his opinion, should not be free of stigma, if for no other reason than to deter people from embracing a genre which, in fact, could have a negative effect on mental health.

“Christian rock puts the practitioner in a classic double bind. He is beholden to two different and morally diametrically opposed masters. Rock and Roll speaks to rebellion and self-expression, Christianity speaks to submission and placing one’s salvation outside of oneself. In other areas of life, these opposing viewpoints can often find balance, but not when these mixed signals originate from the same oppressive and solitary source. Also, the victim is unable to escape from the situation, as the Christianity aspects demands devotion, and Rock and Roll, ideally, is impossible to ignore.  Mr. Stapp’s situation would really be quite sad if we weren’t talking about the guy who polluted the radio with self-righteous dreck and once challenged (Limp Biscuit frontman) Fred Durst to a boxing match. I mean, talk about a conundrum. I was hoping there was some way that they could both lose.”

 “Are your assertions based on any textual analysis of Christian rock, or the music of Creed?” I asked.

“Fuck no. I don’t listen to that shit,” he responded before kicking me out of his office.

Eww. Just... Fucking Eww.